The Best And Worst Of Tahoe Alpine Resorts

Squaw Valley:
Best - Penis libre - No other resort encompasses itself with such a wide fraternity of world class athletes, aromatic louts, fledgling howlers and fearless matadors. These people are so cool they could heal warts.

Worst - Les voies urinaires - Gaper wannabees who whine and shed bad poseur vibes waiting in line for KT-22 to open on a powder day. Second place goes to ugliest uniforms and stupidest motto of "We Care".

Beginner: Easy rolling shoulders and plateaus offer groomed slopes and calming views below mid-mountain High Camp. The result is that no matter what the ability, guests never feel relegated to a bunny slope next to the parking lot. Entry level beginners travel to the top by way of the aerial cable car, drink in the same views as the more advanced, have fun, and feel like a participant.

Intermediate: Warm up on the well-groomed and bump- free Gold Coast bowl above the Funitel top terminal. When the legs are ready, it's just up and over the ridge to the Shirley Lakes area where well-manicured boulevards, tilted just enough, allow for ego-boasting turns.

Expert: Wild shots and sweat-induced plunges are discovered off the Granite Chief Chairlift, just past Shirley Lake. Try roaming along the American River Traverse to choose from a menu of narrow romps and playful pitches.

Alpine Meadows:
Best - Happy Hour at the "Ice Bar" at bottom of Sherwood Chair. Soothing outdoor atmosphere is accompanied by music, munchies, and discounted beer surrounded by overwhelming panorama of Ward Canyon.

Worst: A chopped up hill where you either seem to be traversing up top or running out a long turn at the base.

Expert: Advanced skiers test their mettle while attempting "Keyhole." It covers a Mount Rushmore of height. Descending its narrow corridor is as abrupt as dropping a quarter into a payphone. Lose it here and the rest of the ride is like a wave tank in physics class.

Intermediate: Head up Roundhouse Quad for sweet cruisers down carpeted Red, Green, and Yellow trails.

Beginner: Hot Wheels lift accesses rolling shoulders of manicured snow, including the Family Ski Zone. Located on Weasal Run, it's a moderate slope void of fast trackers. From the top terminal beginners can take a long easy cruise back to the lodge by following East Creek and Meadow.

Kirkwood:
Best: Thunder Saddle - The north facing area contains high level intermediate to expert runs that hold snow well for carving clean, short turns down adventuresome chutes.
Worst: Carson Pass is downright hairy and about as unsavory as a dog's breakfast on a snowy day.

Expert: The chutes below The Sisters, or One Man- and Two Man Chutes are reachable by following Larry's Lip off the Sunrise Chair.

Intermediate: The rolling shoulders off of Hole-n'-Wall, The Reut and Caples chairs.

Beginner:Some of the finest beginner terrain can be discovered in the Timber Creek learning area, rated by USA Today as one of the Top Ten Places To Learn To Ski.

Sierra-At-Tahoe:
Best: The steak wrap (steak wrapped in a tortilla shell with corn, potato and black beans) from the Grandview Bar and Grill makes for a great lunch at the summit. Relax while eating on the sundeck and pin out on the endless beauty of Lake Tahoe 3,000 feet below.

Worst: Too many untamed high school grommets burgerflipping over the mountain.

Expert: Street tough slopes bristle in the woods off the high speed Sensation Lift and include two ego-puncturing double black diamond runs, Dynamite and Preacher's Passion.

Snowboarder: Located off the Grand View Express, skiers and riders can enjoy "The Gauntlet," one of the terrain parks containing table tops, gap jumps and more. Every Wednesday Sierra hosts free skiercross races in The Gauntlet. if you're not into attitude beware of the 300-foot halfpipe. It attracts a sometimes young and salient crowd.

Heavenly:
Best - steeps off Killebrew's Worst - adagio sonata pathetique - Byzantine lift dispersal system is like wearing a heavy garter belt. Can take you sometimes 45 minutes to get onto real fall-line terrain from base area.

Expert: Killebrews, Motts, and the legendary Gunbarrel contain enough steeps and bumps to choke the most courageous.

Intermediates: Intermediate skiers looking for other long runs should head to the Galaxy and Stagecoach lifts on the Nevada side. The California Trail off California side's Sky Chair and Powderbowl Run off the Waterfall Chair are other favorites.

Sugar Bowl:
Best - soft thigh and fleecy freshies off Strawberry Fields on a powder day.
Worst - Little vertical makes for a valise without straps.

Expert: Before there was a World Cup, there was the Silver Belt, a hair-raising giant slalom slope that tested the skills of Leo Lacroix, Billy Kidd, and Phil Mahre. From the top of Mount Lincoln, it still puts today's skiers to the test. The gully-like slope first funnels down through trees before dropping off the steep face of the Steilhang.

Intermediate: The wide open slopes of Jingle Bells, Mistletoe, and Blitzen off the Christmas tree quad offer non-scrutinized fall-line beltways.

Mount Rose:
Best - Incredible daily lift ticket discounts and fun events such as Elvis Day. Worst: Ever try to drive to this place when it's storming?

Expert: Gold Run's 55% gradient qualifies it as one of North America's steepest steeps.

Granlibakken:
Best: Access up the rope tow to backcountry trailheads, poaching derelict Olympic 30 meter jump.
Worst - to sing you must first open your mouth.

Northstar:
Best - Tree runs off backside
Worst - Low elevation equals pea soup squalid snow.

Expert: Ripping down the new terrain of Lookout Mountain gives the impression of skiing a wilderness preserve. Its advanced runs offer a panoply of rowdy lines that complement the thigh burning, straight liners of the Backside Express Quad.

Intermediate: The resort's frontside combines lightly forested glades and wide-boulevard groomers that stretch to the base.

Homewood Mountain Resort:
Best - exceptional scenery makes one feel like you're about to ski into the lake.
Worst - Lack of snowmaking makes downloading on a lift inevitable during parts of the season.

Expert: The beefy steeps down Quail Face and the Hobbit Land.

Intermediate: The Rainbow Ridge and Glory Hole runs are cakewalk cruisers.

Snowboarders: The Shredwood Forest Terrain Park has played host to World Cup and national competitions. It's a testing ground for grommets burgerflipping its radical wave hits, spines, and tabletops.

Diamond Peak:
Best - Dynamite views from the Snowflake Lodge reflect a twilight hour of Indian blue, water of glass, tree glistening and liquescent.
Worst - Skiing here is like shaving one's armpits and the itching won't stop. It lacks tempo.

Expert: Off the Crystal Quad chairlift advanced riders and skiers enjoy dropping into Golden Eagle Bowl, a series of four natural glades strung together down the canyon. Others scream down Lightning, a black diamond run comparable in steepness to Squaw Valley's Headwall.

Intermediate: Crystal Ridge Run is over a mile of smooth and wide cruising with magnificent views of Lake Tahoe.

Boreal:
Best - Its little outstretched paws are a welcome sight early in the season. Worst - Sometimes so crowded with grommet cockroaches it can be like getting into a cage with wild beasts and being mangled.

Intermediate/ Beginner: There are plenty of groomed beginner and intermediate runs to explore off the Gold Rush and Accelerator Chairs. Kids play in their own terrain park full of tummy ticklers and soft rollers. The Nugget Chair is free with gentle terrain, ideal for entry-level students.

Snowboarder: Jibassic Park consists of huge wave hits and radical tabletops. The Night Terrain Park contains a doublebarrel halfpipe for serious jamming.

Donner Ski Ranch:
There's plenty of raging at the Ranch for snowboarders. Riders have several terrain parks to choose from and a well-maintained half-pipe. Intermediate skiers enjoy the mile long Norm's Run. Experts head for the great fall line skiing and steeps on the backside off Chair 2.

ASK THE SNOWBOARDING EXPERTS:

Where's Your Favorite Terrain?

Kim Pearcy, Manager, Tahoe Dave's Boards, Tahoe City - "Hike out to Munchkin Chutes at Alpine Meadows. It's really steep terrain with plenty of maneuverability and a long finish." "Anything off the face of Silverado."

Dave Norehad, snowboard photographer - "The sustained pitches and little trees jibs at Diamond Peak."

Tom Day, adventure photographer - "Poulsen's Gully at Squaw Valley is a huge natural halfpipe."

Tom Burt, professional snowboarder - "Magical Mushroom Chute past Grouse at Alpine Meadows has super knobs and great rollovers. Also, the backside of Sugar Bowl down Coldstream Canyon."

Scott Gaffney, filmmaker - "The big bowly shaped runs on the Kitchen Wall off the Palisades into the Sun Bowl."

Shari Seoane, pro rider - "The last alternate chute off KT-22 at Squaw Valley has a steep pitch with long run out and nice airs off lower Mountain Run."